And also, I wanted to state in no uncertain terms, I'm trying to be honest about all this. What's funny is that I did want to lie at first, as I needed to explain my change of online habits. I thought about just saying I got a new job cuz I needed to financially, and no more time for online, end of story. Had it not been for having to go public for group, I might have never been honest. It's hard to be honest for me, cuz it's silly and stupid and I've let it happen. And I can't control it, either. That makes me feel really stupid. So anyway, why would anyone make this up, LOL, ya gotta admit, that's a good question. It's real and I am going through it. Dealing with it. Dealing.
It saddens me greatly to think of anyone I've hurt by making these life changes, but my family wants me to do this, and they receive my first responsibility. I wish I could please everyone here, I really do, but I need to make the changes I'm making.
So , I went to my first weekend group meeting, having had it suggested to me by our leader therapist. If you are serious about dealing, you can get more interaction with the therapist cuz not that many show up on Friday or Saturday night. Mondays and Wednesdays are really crowded (that's when I went the first time).
This time I had a really productive meeting. I plan to go on Fridays from now on. For homework, I had to come up with a specific mission statement of what I think are my problems I want or need to deal with, which I did. And then we shared. I got great feedback on refining my list and I think I now have one that can lead to some success in getting a grip on things.
Speaking of things, every day I realize more and more, because I mull over things , try to view from all angles, give myself time to digest, yada yada. So, here's the mission statement I shared:
Because of some devestating health problems and dismal diagnosis that afflicted me starting in 2002, and because of the resulting meds I was prescribed, I became more and more introverted and resigned to being disabled, until I possibly gave up on leading a normal, productive life. When I discovered scrapbooking in 2004, I threw myself into it as a way to be productive, but ended up retreating into online scrapbooking until I eventually did little else but read and post on boards and blogs and create art. I recognized in February 2007 that I might need to cut back on spending, but had only nominal success, because I had not yet realized how encompassing my escape was (much more than supplies shopping).
Well, this is what I can own for now. I think it was finally admitting to myself the gi-normous amount of time I was spending on boards. See, I had to read every post, every time I visited. Plus, I am slow (I didn't used to be slow, I'm convinced it was the 2 years I spent on prescribed hydrocodone and anti-depressants...I am glad I took myself off them both as it could have been worse damage-wise, but I'm also sad to have the side effect damage me). I am real slow. Very thorough, very cerebral about what I've read, too. So, it took me forever, on a regular basis. I'd think 30 minutes went by and it was really 3 hours.
Also, when I was on the boards, I tended to buy more supplies, which is not to blame the borads for the amounts I spent, but is still too tempting if your budget is zero. Now, was I hypnotized to go on them? Hell, no. I totally enjoyed the people! I love you ALL! But, I had to go off them cold turkey. Had to. And for how long I do not know. I have fought the urge almost daily to log on to them. I enjoyed it, just can't handle it. Still not ready to go back either. It's kind of been fun discovering other ways to fill my time. It really has been fun, in part because it's been so freakin long since I've filled my time other ways, LOL.
In the meantime, my house was getting more and more junked up with scrapbooking crap. My bank accounts were not getting reconciled. My bills were paid, I did make sure of that. And we are not in any financial trouble, I've just spent more than I should. We still pay our charge cards off every month and we still have money saved, just not as much, thanks to me. I used to bring in $15-20K a year with my tax business, but ever since getting sick I'd been thinning out my clientele and my income had been going down; yet, I seemed to forget that and kept on spending like I was still bringing it in. I have gotten to where I rarely leave my house, maybe once every 2 weeks (not counting going to the doctor or to therapy or to group). I've been a homebody for probably 3 years now, because I also gained close to 80 pounds while on the pain killers and anti-deps, and I wanted no one I knew to see me. DH and DD gradually took over all the shopping. What I did manage to do regularly besides the online scrapbooking and creating stuff, was I would keep the dishes and kitchen sink clean, the laundry, and occasionally some vacuuming.
My next homework is to create a gameplan list of tangible actions for dealing with my problems. More on that later....
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