Can You Read Me Now?

My In-Real-Life best friend Vanessa and I were kavetching as usual Friday morning. The topic for this du jour was my microscopic blog text. I was accused of causing Vanny eye strain, so I said, "ok then tell me how to make it bigger and I will."

I knew the instant I formed the words that this would shut her up. (It took her 18 months to work up the courage to start a blog.)

Well, r.i.p. to best-laid plans. Tonight, she emails me the directions. Gotta hand it to her, this is akin to a dyslexic winning a spelling bee. Lunch is on me next week, girl. You deserve it!

Anyway, duly changed. I hope everyone else's eye strain is relieved, and I do apologize.

It does make it easier to read. You were right, Vanny. ;}

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*Shrinking* to Fit
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I knew there was more I wanted to post last time, and here it is before I forget or decide, as I did last time, that I'm too tired to get into it.

I've made a lot of progress with my therapist. I of course knew the details of my life all along, but she has helped me connect the dots on the Big Picture of the last handful of years.

Up until now I'd only seen things as autonomous events; ergo, the "cause" had to be fate. And that didn't ring true to me, but I couldn't think of anything more sensible. I can't really reveal the details because they involve some troubles and challenges that Missy was dealt in high school, and she faced and overcame them, but as an only-mom (read mom of an only child), the timing of this collided with my journey of trying to "let go"; and more importantly, I'd just been diagnosed with the arthritii and the outlook was scary and grim...I was still in shock over that. Then a few things happen to Missy that just were not fair. She could not cut a break. I was preoccupied with my illness, and Hubs was as always clueless, so Missy had to face a couple of things on her own.

Now, as always happens with retrospect, these are trials that bind, that mold and build and test. Good stuff for growing up, which she has done beautifully. But I never addressed my mama-bear guilt and anger and frustration and sadness. We took a dream vacation to Europe, but that did not solve everything. I further reacted to my feelings that no one understood by ending two friendships and becoming more introspective and homebodied. It was about that time I began my long journey of escape into scrapbooking, message boards and procuring supplies.

For awhile it was incredibly positive for me. I needed to connect with people, but I should have been hitting forums like "Parents of Victimized Students" or "Over-Protective Parents Anonymous", heck I don't know which way it was. I just know it was a tough time. And if it were a course, I probably flunked it good. Instead, I replaced those issues with scrapbooking and ran to those boards. I found commaraderie and fellowship, and it did me so much good for a long time.

Eventually, the old issues wanted closure, so here I sit. So, I have been facing up to owning all those feelings. And we are working on coping strategies for dealing with my negative feelings. So far, I can't cozy up to any, but I do consider it progress that I can now see a domino effect that connects my illness to the high school crap. It still makes me want to stay away from people, I have sort of a general distrust and disillusionment now. Plenty to work on.